|Pearls. Acrylic on canvas.|
This painting is large and a powerful image, deeply personal as well as selfish. We all experience self pity and I think it is necessary to a point, doing a painting like this helps me to get away from self pity and move on. The Painting is all about consolidating my two great loves......a dream that will never be. Mikey and his needs come first, always. The anxiety, worrying, my mind screaming to find a solution to Mikey's care as an adult. What happens to him when I can no longer care for him, what do i do? I feel so desperate at times I could walk out my front door and stop the first person I see and say "Can you help me? Can you tell me what to do? Can you? No? I'm so alone.. Please will you then just hold my hand for a little while, please?"
Someday, being back where I want to be. Autism allowing no scope for that yet and the viper that is a constant threat, instead of being a helpful harmonious thing it is a venomous snake threatening to take. That, to me, was the so called children's services, an institution designed to be a beacon of hope and help but manage to do the complete opposite and most harm to the most vulnerable.
Living in urban jungle, assault to my senses, trash and noise and mean hard coldness. Working my butt off everyday to try and make it work......Loss and despair, and love and ache for family so far away is unrelenting. Africa, the kind of place that gets into your soul and beckons you back often a whisper on a breeze, sometimes a scream in a constant cacophony of sirens. The frayed animal fabric symbolises the decaying state of a country so beautiful but torn apart by greed and corruption.
Beads, orbs, pearls make their way into a lot of my work, these objects symbolise Mikey and my frustration at him having Autism, it plagues my mind and tears my heart into shreds. Mikey is very rarely without a string of beads, usually the plastic kids ones that I have to cut for him so it makes a long string. This is his comfort thing, to drop the beads onto a piece of paper, or cardboard (a flappy in autism talk) for hours and hours on end.
I wish I could slip into the coma of complacency that sees most people eke out their existences, not worry about the future but I cannot, I want more, I want a better life for my children and for them I will never give up. Autism has determined and dictated and I hated it at the time this painting was conceived. It is probably the most relevant to my frustration at Autism that I have done to date.